statement by M Barclay following their interview with their ordination board
It’s been a long journey starting with my 17-year-old self wondering if I might be called to ministry, to all of the steps that have led me to this point: the Bishop’s rulings, the Judicial Council reviews, the preparation. Just two weeks ago I allowed myself to really imagine the possibility that I would be commissioned as Deacon in June. The mere thought of it was challenging to grasp. The closeness of it, the possibility, only a short month away. It felt surreal. All the reasons I “can’t” be ordained despite God’s call weigh so heavily on my heart and mind that even imagining the reality of my denomination affirming my ministry can be too painful or seem too absurd to even allow myself in a daydream.
Marginalized people set up these sorts of psychological self-protections because we know all too well that dreaming can hurt. When we dare to hope in the church and its people, to trust them with our bruised hearts and tired bodies, we put ourselves at risk yet again of disappointment, of betrayal, of harm. Today I hoped in my Board of Ordained Ministry, and in my church, by trusting in them enough to share the call God has placed on my life. Their vote not to recommend me for ministry today makes me sad, hurt, and angry. I am sad because my journey is stalled and because my denomination is not its true self today. I am hurt by the prejudice we have deemed polity. And I am angry because I know the sadness and hurt I carry is a familiar feeling for so many other LGBTQ folks in The UMC who dare to keep dreaming. I join other rejected candidates, the ones who feel no choice but to leave, the clergy forced to live in the closet, the members who struggle with their place in their own denomination, and the queer clergy who have faced trials or have been defrocked solely because of who they are. I am angry that we continue to grow in number.
Today the board voted not to move me forward in my ordination process because they felt I failed to articulate my understanding of the “Lordship of Christ for the world,” the particular role of ordination, and a failure to communicate my “internal call.” Their decision means that I will continue my journey for ordination, but, per normal procedure, will have to go back to my district committee, one that has had complaints filed against them for passing me the first time. My sexual orientation never came up in the interview. I can’t help but wonder how their perception of my sexuality influenced their thinking.
My first priority as a Christian is not ordination at all cost. Rather, it is living out my faith. With or without the Board’s approval, my task remains the same. Even when our denomination becomes fully inclusive of its LGBTQ members, it will not be the Kindom. There is more conversation, more conflict, more discrimination, and we are all called to the center of that. We are all called to be a part of the messy, painful, challenging work of sanctification, that work that makes our church and our collective selves more representative of the radical world of Table where all feast, and of Baptism, where all are claimed by the waters. This is our work as Christian people.
Today is painful but it is not the end. I still dare to hope. As we continue to journey together on our church’s path to its true self by condemning its injustices, grieving the harm it causes, and following the guidance of the Spirit wherever she leads, we are living out the witness of our faith.
This is our Christian task.
This is our hope.
Our faithful witnesses are not dependent on institutions, outcomes, or definable goals. They are solely dependent on our living out the tasks to which God calls us, whatever forms they may take.
May we mourn because we know it doesn’t have to be this way.
May we shake our fists in anger at all the ways our church continues to harm the lives of its own people.
May we keep knocking, persistently and daringly, on the doors of the church we love until they open in the name of the ones who have had doors slammed in their faces, in the name of the ones who have felt no choice but to leave, and most importantly, in the name of the Divine voice who claims us all.
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All my love to you, Mary Ann!
I’m so sorry, Mary Ann. This sucks.
Mary Ann, I am so moved by your courage and grace.
The rejection by the body politic, makes me very, very sad. There is much work to be done in the stoic hearts of man. To you, Mary Ann, I continue to applaud your faith, diligence and sincerity. May your struggle eventually be successful. You are a better woman than I. I’d take my skills, talents and energy to someplace I was welcomed. IJS
Peg
All we could do is stand by and watch you take your seat at the counter today as those behind it refused to serve you. Our love is with you and our support and prayers for you will not waiver.
Having heard Mary Ann preach on several occasions, having been in classes she has taught and been in conversations she has led on precisely some of these topics in which she was found deficient, my considered and informed opinion is that the reasons given by the Board are not the reasons. Integrity might have been better served on the Board’s part to have not resorted to being dismissive and diminishing of her on these bases and to actually have a conversation about the role of sexual orientation in all of this.
I share your anger and your grief. And I count you as a sister deacon–because the BOM in your conference is WRONG. We are deacons because God calls us to connect the Table and the world with all its injustice and pain. When the church impedes our paths, we just have to find alternate routes to do the work God calls us to do. Thank you, thank you for your witness, for your faithful service and for your perseverance to keep on challenging the church to finally get it right! I am a retired UM Deacon from the Iowa Annual Conference who now resides at Pilgrim Place in Claremont, CA. I am blessed to be active at Claremont UMC which has been a part of RMN for 21 years and where we are engaging in Biblical obedience!!!
Mary Ann,
I applaud you for your courage, and I urge you to keep moving forward with your ordination. It must break our Lord’s heart to know that ignorance and bigotry are alive and well in the church. If you ever get tired of it all I would recommend coming to the Presbyterian Church where we will welcome you wit loving srms.
Good news is you were able to go through the whole process. They had to state it verbally and in writing to the whole Christian community which means others can be responsive and comment on the process itself. It declared your integrity in the face of adversity. Serving is much broader than a piece of paper and God chose who He chose and so in all faith He will make a path for whatever He plans for you despite the obstacles. Something bright shiny and new for you. Just think without having to deal with the procedure you get to create something brand new. 🙂 Have fun!
If you articulated your thoughts in your interview as well as you did here, I find your interviewers suspect. I will be praying for you as you press onward. I would’ve stayed in the UMC if I’d had a clergyperson like you leading my congregation. And I might still find my way back to it if the UMC starts leaning toward love and justice.
Mary Ann I’m so inspired by you and am so grieved that mortals of a lesser nature made this decision. keep up the good fight!
You may want to check out Unitarian Universalism. Put your energy where it will do the most.
I don’t know you, but I thank you for going through that process. I actually took a break from the UMC church and now attend a UU church. it wasn’t enough for me to have a congregation express their willingness for tolerance. I needed a congregation that practiced it. A minister that practiced it. I adore my UU minister, but there are times where I miss the UMC sermon. Teaching my children tolerance is one of the ways that I see that I can have a direct impact in changing the world. To do so, i need to raise them in a church that practices tolerance. So, thank you. Thank you for making that journey of going through the process. It makes a difference.
I, too, was denied ordination by my denomination but for a completely different reason. Back then, women were not viewed as ordination worthy and I was one of those troublesome females with a call from God. While I know many women, including me, still feel the reverberations of the past, I’m glad to have been part of the transforming years that helped to make the changes we’ve seen since then become a reality so that today’s women, who are in and graduating seminary, don’t experience what I did not so many years ago. So, don’t give up; don’t be discouraged. This, too, shall pass. Trust God to lovingly ( though slower than we’d like!) guide His Church and its leadership through this too.
I agree with Ginny Hathaway’s comments. I too have heard Mary Ann preach and teach and find it hard to believe that she was turned aside for the theological reasons stated, while never being questioned on her sexual orientation and ‘status’ which was the ostensible reason she was initially discontinued from the process without interview as required by The Discipline. This seems like a well-planned ‘end run’ around the more volatile issue and to my mind disrespects Mary Ann for who she is, what she stands for, and all she has so graciously gone through during this past year. The Board’s action also seems like a move designed to put pressure on the Austin District Committee on Ordained Ministry who certified her candidacy in the first place, some members of which have been challenged by our conference United Methodist Men on Disciplinary grounds. It all smacks of politics, the kind of politics which dismisses the humanity and sense of calling of individuals who stand outside the ‘mainstream’ and which should have no place in the Church of Jesus Christ. I too am sad and angry tonight, but as Mary Ann affirmed above, the task now as always for her and for all of us is to continue to live out our faith and the calling of a loving and gracious God by being about the tasks to which we are led by the Spirit. My prayers have been and remain with Mary Ann. May God help the people called Methodists.
Hey, Sweetheart! I have so many feeling , emotions and thoughts on this that I will not take up the space and time to write them all down now. My prayer is that you and I will be able to meet together and I will be able to tell you everything then. I think it will be so much worth the time and the wait for both of us. However, I will say of the BOM that at this TIME (2014), when the world is grappling with the changes in our polital system, the unrest of several countries, the new health care system, the strange weather events, the tragedy of youth hurting youth and the press right on top it. SO many worldly things happening around us that don’t sit just right wit us. And then here is our BOM looking at trying to accept the LGBTQ COmmunity. Now I can say with full confidence that there are MORE members that are for acceptance than are not. Why, you ask, are they not voting for acceptance within the cuurch? Well, because, Right Now, there are more elderly people than ever before!. And those elderly people are Not dying off at earlier ages as before. So, their vote are STILL being taken and counted . In other words, these older people can’t be replaced until they are dead. So of course the will not vote for the right. Now, I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but I do hope they will really think about it before their mouths start to flappin’. However soon, the board will change and the members will become much younger with much more knowledge of how our churches must grow, and GROW. it will! Watch, everyone will se, Mary Ann, DO NOT LET THESE PEOPLE HOLD YOU BACK FROM YOUR CALLING BY OUR ALL ENCOMPASSING GOD! HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO TURN YOUR BACK ON HIS HOLY CHURCH. I’m not saying you have to remain a Methodist, but I’m saying continue loving Him who gave us life, breath, and our salvation. DO NOT GIVE UP ON GOD, HE IS COUNTING ON YOU to help change out church little by little! Just hang in there, Little Girl. You have this!
Dear Ms. Barclay.
Please do continue to speak. Speak about the more loving perspectives that can be found in the Bible with regard to the GLBTQ peoples. Mainstream Christianity has alienated many people from God at all, period — including my sister whose best friend in high school was gay. The “nonaffiliated” that you probably have read about in seminary include those who refuse to support a church that has lead us into continuing “holy wars” with the Middle East.
If Christ were here, he’d probably have dinner with you. Choosing a life of ministry sounds like you have already decided that your treasure is there, and not here on earth – no matter which presentations of the physicality appeal to the personality with which God sent you here in this world. You are already doing as Christ instructed. If those who claim to follow Christ do not accept you, then they seem to be losing out on a great resource.
May the Peace of the Lord be with you.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. But it is people with conviction and the love of God and foresight of the future that will lead this church into the future and a new age of inclusiveness. You are a Leader without title perhaps but a Leader!
Those of us who have been served by you at UUMC know that the reasons given are disingenuous. How can we trust an administrative body that lies? Ugh. Mary Ann, please always remember that you are loved and respected and wanted, even if the board is too prejudiced and dishonest to realize it.
In Annual Conferences all over the world candidates for ordination have heard the same words this year. When we are on the receiving end of that, it does hurt. I know a current DS who had already turned in his notice with his secular employer when he was told he would be delayed a year. He had to go ask for his job back. He still speaks of it with pain.
I pray that in your work to continue this process that you get wise counsel about the ways you might respond to the concerns raised by the Board.
Standing with you Mary Ann! Your witness has not been diminished by the action of the Board of Ordained Ministry. You are stronger than ever.
You will find that the Presbyterian Church USA will welcome your energy, devotion, and enthusiasm. You will discover that we cannot wait to bless you with Ordination and welcome you into our community and our Congregation. I know this to be true because I was recently ordained as an Elder … and I’m gay. God bless you in your journey Mary Ann.
Yes. Isn’t there soemthing in the Bible about bearing false witness? This sickens me.
I find their reasons sickening, and probably dishonest. I wonder how they came to their conclusions. And I hunk their comments would make Christ gag. As an ordained Presbyterian I would woulcome you to look at pcusa as an option. Honestly I have a friend who attends a UM church in Texas. It sounds and acts fundamentalist. So your plight is not a surprise.
I don’t know you except for the excellent words you have written here, but I want to encourage you as an ally clergy in the PCASA to keep articulating your call as you have and look for places to serve and be ordained in some denomination that is smart enough to know what absolute gifts you have for ministry. God is with you– that is obvious.
My prayers are with you but even more with those who don’t accept your ministry. May they open their minds. It was not difficult for me to be ordained but no church would call me as a woman. When people said, ‘But God didn’t call you.” I had two answers depending on how snarky I wanted to be. 1) “Were you there?” 2) “Then why did God give me the tools and the faith to use in God’s service?” NEither worked.
Mary Ann, This is a minor matter apart from the main point of the Ordination Board’s failure to give their honest, discriminatory reasons for not approving your moving forward with your ordination.
Your blog refers to the Holy Spirit as “she”. Does this reveal a gender bias of some kind on your part? If you prefer not to say “he,” why not simply say “the Holy Spirit” just as most clergy now say simply “God” without any gender reference?
Dear Mary Ann,
When we suffer these “losses” in life, we actually get to feel just a little bit of what Jesus went through during His trials, crucifixion, and abandonment at Calvary. Your blog is filled with grace and God’s love. Continue on your journey, my Sister in Christ. God will make a way.
Rev. Leslie A. Rutland-Tipton, Senior Pastor
Church of the Holy SpiritSong
http://www.cohss.org
pastorles@cohss.com
You might like to come to a conference up in Houston 4th of July Weekend…here’s the link.
https://www.regonline.com/builder/site/Default.aspx?EventID=1414201
TEN is an affirming and welcoming organization.
If you think about it there are some who see the Holy Trinity as a family so Father, Son, and Holy spirit could be Father, Son, and Mother. I truly believe that is the way it is. Because you could not have a son without a father and a mother.
Dear Mary Ann,
I am so sorry that you have been so deeply hurt by leaders in your denomination. May you find comfort in the Peace of Christ, which no one can separate you from, no matter how they cast votes on your future. I have this sense that you are strong, and that you will go forward as you have been called. Still, I’m so sorry about the hurt.
Madeleine Mysko
Excellent response. With permission, picking up for this week’s United Methodist Insight. — Cynthia Astle
Yes. Ok to repost. Thanks, Andy
I am an LGBT person who did the same and am so glad I did.
This is not as simple as flipping a switch, I know and understand that. But I value where that journey led me and feel lucky to be in my beloved community.
dear Jane Myers Perrine,
My question relates more to your name than to the issue of ordination/ministry of Lesbian/Gays. My Mother was a Perrine
and traces her ancestry back to Daniel Perrin who arrived in what is now New Jersey in 1651. There are numerous
Presbyterian clergy within her ancestors. I’m a 70 year old woman who is becoming actively interested in
family history. I have served as both elder and deacon in my local Church in years past.
Thank you for responding to my e-mail.
Mary Ann I know it is no comfort to be tested by the leaders of
the Methodist church–most of whom cannot find their home at night–I experienced the level of their understanding of the gospel–which was and is shallow, demeaning and political.
But try to forgive them for they no not what they do to their
own people of faith–I have been there and will never go again
Peace to you and may you find strenth to stand aganist some of
Gods fools.
Bob Williams
This brought me back to 1977 and the day I interviewed with the Standing Committee. I received a letter from them later saying “they did not discern the presence of the Holy Spirit” in me and therefore would pass on moving me forward. I was hurt then but moved on, and though never ordained, have found ways to lead a good life. Be that as it may, I still find it the height or arrogance for anyone to declare another person does not know a divine presence or does not have a call. I wish you well on your continuing journey.